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Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 10126 times)

I am The Egg Man

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Jokes
« on: May 31, 2008, 07:00:28 PM »
Insert your jokes here!!!  The best one will get sweet FA but it will give us a laugh.  I'll go first.

Two snakes in a field
One snake goes to the other snake
Are we poisinous?
The snake goes,
I don't now, why?
The first snake goes
Because I've just bit my lip.

Offline Jim B

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #1 on: May 31, 2008, 08:59:39 PM »
Great thread idea Ant. Far more entertaining than "Britain's got Talent".


Offline the dude abides

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #2 on: May 31, 2008, 09:14:47 PM »
amanda holden, yummi yummi

re jokes

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was, in me, an invincible summer.

There’s no next time. It’s now or never.

martin

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #3 on: June 01, 2008, 12:15:32 PM »
The ownership debacle.

I am The Egg Man

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #4 on: June 01, 2008, 12:31:24 PM »
The ownership debacle.

I went into fits of laughter when I heard that one, couldn't get up I nearly pissed myself. 

I am The Egg Man

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #5 on: June 02, 2008, 04:08:38 PM »
Great thread idea Ant. Far more entertaining than "Britain's got Talent".



Talking about Britains got tallent for a minute.  Do you think that the lad who won deserved to win or do you think he got the sympathy vote.  I think he got the latter because he was shine-a-light!
(If you do not respond to that post I will understand)

raju

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #6 on: June 02, 2008, 05:14:17 PM »
Some jokes - apologies in advance if any offend any viewers. :-\

Thought for the day, for the week,
for the rest of the year and into the years to come!

Handle every stressful situation like a dog. 
If you can't eat it or hump it,   
p**s on it and walk away.
 
 
 
 
The Tomato Garden
 An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincenzo,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the garden for me.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
I'd do anything for you Papa, except dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 am the next morning, FBI and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie

 

 

A five-year-old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch
together, when grandpa pulled a beer out of the cooler. The little boy
asked, 'Grandpa, can I have a beer? Grandpa replied 'Can your pecker touch
you're ass? The little boy answered, 'No Grandpa, It's just a little
pecker!' Grandpa said, Then you're not man enough to have a beer.

A little later Grandpa lit up a cigar. The little boy asked, 'Grandpa,
can I have a cigar?' Once again, Grandpa asked, 'Can your pecker touch
you're ass?' The little boy answered 'no,' again. Grandpa said, 'Then your
not man enough to have a cigar.'

A little later, the boy came out of the house with some cookies and
milk. Grandpa asked, 'Can I have a cookie?' The boy asked, 'Can your pecker
touch you're ass?' Grandpa replied, 'Hell yeah, my pecker can touch my
ass!'

The boy replied, 'Then go f--k yourself! Grandma made these for me!'

 

 

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to Audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said 'I notice you buy a lot of candles, What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question' noted the Rabbi.
'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'
'Oh' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'
'Ah, yes' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers.'
'I see' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

'Well, Rabbi' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'
'Here, too, we do not waste' answered the Rabbi.
'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office,
And about once a year they send us a complete prick.'

 

Officer, this is how the fight started...
I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault.
So we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of the car
He gets out of his car. . and you know how you just get sooo stressed... and life... sometimes life seems like... suddenly funny?
 
Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF! He gets out of his car and I get out of my car.
He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me. Right up close at me he looks up in my face and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
And I don't know what possessed me, officer, but I look down at him and I said.................

'Well, if you're not Happy -- which one are you?'

raju

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #7 on: June 02, 2008, 05:18:18 PM »
guess it is happy hour......


ARSENAL F.C.

End of Season Dinner Dance

 
Starter

Egg on Face

Seasoned Hash

Frogs legs (past their best)

Spanish Surprise (well beaten)

 
Main course

Humble Pie

Chump Chops

French (has) Beans

Manager's Beef (not rare)

Catch of the Day - (gutted)

NB: everything is imported, nothing is home grown.

 

 
Dessert

Sour Grapes (may be hard to swallow)

Fruitless Tarts

Raspberry Fools

Hard Cheese

 

 
Drinks

Bitter

Little Spirit

French Whine

Cabernet Empty 2008

Champagne - sorry none ordered

STRICTLY NO DOUBLES OR TREBLES

 

NB: drinks should be consumed from glasses as there will be no cups this year.

 

Guests are asked not to get HAMMERED

 

 

Guest speaker:

Steven Gerrard & Rafa Benitez - "What it's like to win the European Cup"

 

 

Please note that the club's European Tour for the season 2008-09 is not guaranteed.

I am The Egg Man

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #8 on: June 02, 2008, 05:27:19 PM »
Dirk Kuyt goes into burger king and asks for two whoppers,
The lad behind the counter goes,
Your extremely handsome and your a cracking footballer.

Offline Jim B

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #9 on: June 02, 2008, 06:21:59 PM »
Talking about Britains got tallent for a minute.  Do you think that the lad who won deserved to win or do you think he got the sympathy vote.  I think he got the latter because he was s***e!
(If you do not respond to that post I will understand)

I'm sure he got the sympathy vote for a big part of his votes. Although I'm basing that on not actually seeing his act, just reading a bit about his background.

I didn't see much of any of the shows really, well they were on in the background but I was switched off usually.

I can never remember jokes. So carry on folks!
« Last Edit: June 02, 2008, 06:26:16 PM by Jim B »

I am The Egg Man

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #10 on: June 05, 2008, 11:45:22 AM »
Amy Winehouse and Jerremy Clarkson both go to a party,
Amy Winehouse goes to Jerremy Clarkson,
What do you do then?
Jerremy goes to her,
I do Top Gear
Amy Winhouse reply's
Great I'll have 3 grams then.

I am The Egg Man

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #11 on: June 09, 2008, 12:01:47 PM »
Here's Pingu celebrating his birthday very funny

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=5l69E9Fz0nE

Here's Fireman Sam doing the rounds

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=5bFp3CCYya0

Dolmio

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=dr6FvXxte4I


RobbieOR

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #12 on: June 09, 2008, 10:13:29 PM »
sum of these are fuckin good

I am The Egg Man

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #13 on: June 12, 2008, 06:04:00 PM »
What have Women and KFC 8) got in common?

By the time you have had the breast and the thighs
All you are left with is a greasy box to put you bone in!!!


HA HA HA 8)

Julie

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #14 on: June 20, 2008, 04:17:25 PM »
What does a dog licking its bollocks have in common with those men who write jokes that compare women to boxes of greasy chicken?

They're both happiest with their head up their own ass.