September 23, 2019, 04:09:08 AM

Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 10127 times)

I am The Egg Man

  • Guest
Re: Jokes
« Reply #15 on: June 20, 2008, 04:23:40 PM »
What does a dog licking its bollocks have in common with those men who write jokes that compare women to boxes of greasy chicken?

They're both happiest with their head up their own ass.

They are both funny because they are both true, but it's all good my feminist freind!!!!!
:-* :-* :-* :-*
« Last Edit: June 20, 2008, 04:25:02 PM by I am The Egg Man »

I am The Egg Man

  • Guest
Re: Jokes
« Reply #16 on: June 21, 2008, 05:03:40 PM »
The Pope wakes up one morning with a huge erection. Thinking that it wasn’t very Catholic, he tries to get rid of it. Unfortunately, walking around the room, thinking about Man United and even getting some fresh air on the balcony all fail to soften him up. With only one option left, he sat down on the balcony and relieved himself.
Later, the Pope was walking around Rome, when a man with a camera approached him. " Hello, Mr. Pope," the man says. " Six o’clock this morning, on the balcony, I think you know what I’m talking about." " I’m sorry, I don’t know what you mean," the Pope replied. " Oh, I think you do," the man retorted, "and 50 thousand will buy you the camera." Worried and confused, the Pope paid up and took the camera.
Back in the Vatican, one of the Pope’s aides was asking about the camera. "A chap in town sold it to me for 50 thousand," the Pope explained. " 50 thousand?" said the aide. " Wow, he must’ve seen you coming."

I am The Egg Man

  • Guest
Re: Jokes
« Reply #17 on: June 21, 2008, 10:05:37 PM »

I am The Egg Man

  • Guest
Re: Jokes
« Reply #18 on: June 23, 2008, 10:22:51 PM »

I am The Egg Man

  • Guest
Re: Jokes
« Reply #19 on: June 27, 2008, 06:48:51 PM »
BLONDE JOKES


There was 3 ladies on an island 1 blonde 1 brunette and a red-head. The city where they wanted to be was 20 miles away with sea between the the island and the city. The red-head swam 4 miles and drowned of exhaustion, the brunette sawm 10 miles and drowned of exhaustion, the blonde swam 19 miles, got tired, and swam back!!


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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp. They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie. He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish. The redhead went first. 'I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I want to go home!' 'Okay,' replied the genie. And off she went. Then the brunette went. 'I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!!' And off she went. The blonde started crying and said, 'I wish my friends were back here!'


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A British Airways employee took a call from a blonde asking the question, "How long is the Concorde flight from London to New York?" "Um, just a minute, if you please," he murmured. Then, as he turned to check the exact flight time, he heard an equally polite, "Thank you," as the phone went dead.


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Two blonde girls were talking and one couldn't help but notice how pretty and beautiful the others skin was. So she asked her outright what made her skin so soft and beautiful."Well, once a week I fill the bathtub with milk and just soak in it."

So the blonde went to a farm and spoke to the farmer. "I'd like a lot of milk."

"How much?" asked the farmer.

"Well, quite a lot because I'm going to soak in it."

He asked, "Pasteurized?"

"No...just up to my boobies."


martin

  • Guest
Re: Jokes
« Reply #20 on: June 27, 2008, 11:33:23 PM »

mick w

  • Guest
Re: Jokes
« Reply #21 on: June 28, 2008, 05:46:25 PM »
what is the difference between an oral and an anal thermometer

                 the taste



doctor is about to write a prescription when he  pulls a thermometer out of his pocket damn! some a**ehole's got my pen.

mick w

  • Guest
Re: Jokes
« Reply #22 on: June 28, 2008, 06:12:11 PM »
what is long thin and smells of p*ss?


         pensioners doing the conga.



 michael jackson and his wife are in hospital just after she has given birth to a son.the doctor comes around and michael asks 'how long before we can have sex doctor?' 
'for gods sake wait until he can walk michael!' said the doctor



i took my alsation to the vets because he was cross-eyed.
the vet said lets  have a look at him and picked him up.after a couple of minutes he said i'm going to have to put him down.
 i said why? because
he's cross-eyed?
the vet said no he's too f**cking heavy



lone ranger and tonto riding in the wild west.tonto stops gets of his horse puts his ear to the ground and says 'buffalo come'
lone ranger says 'thats amazing! how do you know?
'ear stuck to ground' he replies.

             

mick w

  • Guest
Re: Jokes
« Reply #23 on: June 28, 2008, 06:28:38 PM »
bloke says to his wife one morning 'you, me and the dog are going fishing'
'im not going fishing i hate fishing' she said
bloke says 'well you have three choices we go fishing, you take it up the tradesmans or a b**w job.i'm going downstairs you have 10 minutes to decide.'
  he returns  10 minutes later 'well what is it to be.' he said.
 she says 'the b**w job'.
 as she is about to go at it she notices his penis smells of s**t.
he says 'i know rover didn't want to go either'

kenlfc1892

  • Guest
Re: Jokes
« Reply #24 on: June 30, 2008, 09:16:16 PM »
bloke says to his wife one morning 'you, me and the dog are going fishing'
'im not going fishing i hate fishing' she said
bloke says 'well you have three choices we go fishing, you take it up the tradesmans or a b**w job.i'm going downstairs you have 10 minutes to decide.'
  he returns  10 minutes later 'well what is it to be.' he said.
 she says 'the b**w job'.
 as she is about to go at it she notices his penis smells of s**t.
he says 'i know rover didn't want to go either'

good one man ;D

mick w

  • Guest
Re: Jokes
« Reply #25 on: July 03, 2008, 07:12:38 PM »
girl involved in a car accident.paramedic asks the girl what is her name.
'britney' she replies.
he starts to examine her and notices a lot of blood.
'britney' he says, 'where are you bleeding from'
'f**king birkenhead' she replies



woman phones 999 and says 'i need an ambulance because i'm pregnant'
operator says 'we can't send you an ambulance just because you are pregnant'
the woman replies 'but my waters have broke'
'oh! in that case'. says the operator 'where are you ringing from.'
'from me f*nny to me feet!' she replies.
 

kenlfc1892

  • Guest
Re: Jokes
« Reply #26 on: July 03, 2008, 08:27:37 PM »
Two nuns are walking down an alley when two guys jump out of the dark.
   They start
   raping the nuns and the first nun says, "Forgive them, Father, for
   they know not what they
   do!" The second one says, "This one does!

mick w

  • Guest
Re: Jokes
« Reply #27 on: July 03, 2008, 08:54:25 PM »
'if you were a gentleman you wouldn't make me do this!'
'if you were a lady you wouldn't speak with your mouth full!'

daughter informs parents she is pregnant. 'tell the swine to come here now' says the outraged father.
1 hour later a bentley pulls up outside their home.a distinguished gentleman enters the house.
'i must appologise for getting your daughter pregnant.i cannot marry your daughter as i already have a wife'.said the man.
'what do you plan to do about it then' said the father.
'well' the man explains.'if the baby is a girl i will give your daughter  £1 million  plus 1 of my oil companies. if the baby is a boy she will receive £5 million and 3 of my oil companies.if however she loses the baby......'
at this point the father leans forwaed and says
'you will f**k her again wont you?!!!'
 

mick w

  • Guest
Re: Jokes
« Reply #28 on: July 03, 2008, 09:07:37 PM »
little lad comes running into the house shouting 'mummy mummy get the cider out,get the cider out!'
'why on earth do you want cider' mummy said.
the boy replies,'well i've just cut my hand on the thorn of the rose bush and my sister said whenever she gets a pr*ck in her hands she always puts it inside her!'


little lad walks into the bathroom while his grandad is having a pee.
'my daddies got 2 of those' he says pointing at grandads willy.
'2?' says grandad.
'yes' he replies.'a wrinkled one like yours for peeing with and a big hard one for cleaning mummies teeth with!'.
 

kenlfc1892

  • Guest
Re: Jokes
« Reply #29 on: July 03, 2008, 09:09:15 PM »
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.
The doctor asked her what had happened to her
ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt
and the phone rang - but instead of picking up
the phone I accidentally picked up the iron
and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But. what happened to your other ear?"
"The son of a bitch called back."

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their
Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain
and the top is down!


A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her
purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to
the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."