Anfield Road - Liverpool FC Forum

The Rest => The Rest => Topic started by: I am The Egg Man on May 31, 2008, 07:00:28 PM

Title: Jokes
Post by: I am The Egg Man on May 31, 2008, 07:00:28 PM
Insert your jokes here!!!  The best one will get sweet FA but it will give us a laugh.  I'll go first.

Two snakes in a field
One snake goes to the other snake
Are we poisinous?
The snake goes,
I don't now, why?
The first snake goes
Because I've just bit my lip.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Jim B on May 31, 2008, 08:59:39 PM
Great thread idea Ant. Far more entertaining than "Britain's got Talent".

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: the dude abides on May 31, 2008, 09:14:47 PM
amanda holden, yummi yummi

re jokes

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: martin on June 01, 2008, 12:15:32 PM
The ownership debacle.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: I am The Egg Man on June 01, 2008, 12:31:24 PM
The ownership debacle.

I went into fits of laughter when I heard that one, couldn't get up I nearly pissed myself. 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: I am The Egg Man on June 02, 2008, 04:08:38 PM
Great thread idea Ant. Far more entertaining than "Britain's got Talent".



Talking about Britains got tallent for a minute.  Do you think that the lad who won deserved to win or do you think he got the sympathy vote.  I think he got the latter because he was shine-a-light!
(If you do not respond to that post I will understand)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: raju on June 02, 2008, 05:14:17 PM
Some jokes - apologies in advance if any offend any viewers. :-\

Thought for the day, for the week,
for the rest of the year and into the years to come!

Handle every stressful situation like a dog. 
If you can't eat it or hump it,   
p**s on it and walk away.
 
 
 
 
The Tomato Garden
 An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincenzo,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the garden for me.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
I'd do anything for you Papa, except dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 am the next morning, FBI and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie

 

 

A five-year-old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch
together, when grandpa pulled a beer out of the cooler. The little boy
asked, 'Grandpa, can I have a beer? Grandpa replied 'Can your pecker touch
you're ass? The little boy answered, 'No Grandpa, It's just a little
pecker!' Grandpa said, Then you're not man enough to have a beer.

A little later Grandpa lit up a cigar. The little boy asked, 'Grandpa,
can I have a cigar?' Once again, Grandpa asked, 'Can your pecker touch
you're ass?' The little boy answered 'no,' again. Grandpa said, 'Then your
not man enough to have a cigar.'

A little later, the boy came out of the house with some cookies and
milk. Grandpa asked, 'Can I have a cookie?' The boy asked, 'Can your pecker
touch you're ass?' Grandpa replied, 'Hell yeah, my pecker can touch my
ass!'

The boy replied, 'Then go f--k yourself! Grandma made these for me!'

 

 

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to Audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said 'I notice you buy a lot of candles, What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question' noted the Rabbi.
'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'
'Oh' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'
'Ah, yes' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers.'
'I see' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

'Well, Rabbi' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'
'Here, too, we do not waste' answered the Rabbi.
'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office,
And about once a year they send us a complete prick.'

 

Officer, this is how the fight started...
I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault.
So we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of the car
He gets out of his car. . and you know how you just get sooo stressed... and life... sometimes life seems like... suddenly funny?
 
Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF! He gets out of his car and I get out of my car.
He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me. Right up close at me he looks up in my face and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
And I don't know what possessed me, officer, but I look down at him and I said.................

'Well, if you're not Happy -- which one are you?'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: raju on June 02, 2008, 05:18:18 PM
guess it is happy hour......


ARSENAL F.C.

End of Season Dinner Dance

 
Starter

Egg on Face

Seasoned Hash

Frogs legs (past their best)

Spanish Surprise (well beaten)

 
Main course

Humble Pie

Chump Chops

French (has) Beans

Manager's Beef (not rare)

Catch of the Day - (gutted)

NB: everything is imported, nothing is home grown.

 

 
Dessert

Sour Grapes (may be hard to swallow)

Fruitless Tarts

Raspberry Fools

Hard Cheese

 

 
Drinks

Bitter

Little Spirit

French Whine

Cabernet Empty 2008

Champagne - sorry none ordered

STRICTLY NO DOUBLES OR TREBLES

 

NB: drinks should be consumed from glasses as there will be no cups this year.

 

Guests are asked not to get HAMMERED

 

 

Guest speaker:

Steven Gerrard & Rafa Benitez - "What it's like to win the European Cup"

 

 

Please note that the club's European Tour for the season 2008-09 is not guaranteed.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: I am The Egg Man on June 02, 2008, 05:27:19 PM
Dirk Kuyt goes into burger king and asks for two whoppers,
The lad behind the counter goes,
Your extremely handsome and your a cracking footballer.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Jim B on June 02, 2008, 06:21:59 PM
Talking about Britains got tallent for a minute.  Do you think that the lad who won deserved to win or do you think he got the sympathy vote.  I think he got the latter because he was s***e!
(If you do not respond to that post I will understand)

I'm sure he got the sympathy vote for a big part of his votes. Although I'm basing that on not actually seeing his act, just reading a bit about his background.

I didn't see much of any of the shows really, well they were on in the background but I was switched off usually.

I can never remember jokes. So carry on folks!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: I am The Egg Man on June 05, 2008, 11:45:22 AM
Amy Winehouse and Jerremy Clarkson both go to a party,
Amy Winehouse goes to Jerremy Clarkson,
What do you do then?
Jerremy goes to her,
I do Top Gear
Amy Winhouse reply's
Great I'll have 3 grams then.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: I am The Egg Man on June 09, 2008, 12:01:47 PM
Here's Pingu celebrating his birthday very funny

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=5l69E9Fz0nE

Here's Fireman Sam doing the rounds

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=5bFp3CCYya0

Dolmio

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=dr6FvXxte4I

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: RobbieOR on June 09, 2008, 10:13:29 PM
sum of these are fuckin good
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: I am The Egg Man on June 12, 2008, 06:04:00 PM
What have Women and KFC 8) got in common?

By the time you have had the breast and the thighs
All you are left with is a greasy box to put you bone in!!!


HA HA HA 8)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Julie on June 20, 2008, 04:17:25 PM
What does a dog licking its bollocks have in common with those men who write jokes that compare women to boxes of greasy chicken?

They're both happiest with their head up their own ass.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: I am The Egg Man on June 20, 2008, 04:23:40 PM
What does a dog licking its bollocks have in common with those men who write jokes that compare women to boxes of greasy chicken?

They're both happiest with their head up their own ass.

They are both funny because they are both true, but it's all good my feminist freind!!!!!
:-* :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: I am The Egg Man on June 21, 2008, 05:03:40 PM
The Pope wakes up one morning with a huge erection. Thinking that it wasn’t very Catholic, he tries to get rid of it. Unfortunately, walking around the room, thinking about Man United and even getting some fresh air on the balcony all fail to soften him up. With only one option left, he sat down on the balcony and relieved himself.
Later, the Pope was walking around Rome, when a man with a camera approached him. " Hello, Mr. Pope," the man says. " Six o’clock this morning, on the balcony, I think you know what I’m talking about." " I’m sorry, I don’t know what you mean," the Pope replied. " Oh, I think you do," the man retorted, "and 50 thousand will buy you the camera." Worried and confused, the Pope paid up and took the camera.
Back in the Vatican, one of the Pope’s aides was asking about the camera. "A chap in town sold it to me for 50 thousand," the Pope explained. " 50 thousand?" said the aide. " Wow, he must’ve seen you coming."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: I am The Egg Man on June 21, 2008, 10:05:37 PM
Scouse Boys

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=7eFojLSNMto&feature=related

Dont cha wish ya bf was a scouser like me

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=KBj39sGDL8k&feature=related
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: I am The Egg Man on June 23, 2008, 10:22:51 PM
Ronaldo Leaves United

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWhWV8lt_1I
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: I am The Egg Man on June 27, 2008, 06:48:51 PM
BLONDE JOKES


There was 3 ladies on an island 1 blonde 1 brunette and a red-head. The city where they wanted to be was 20 miles away with sea between the the island and the city. The red-head swam 4 miles and drowned of exhaustion, the brunette sawm 10 miles and drowned of exhaustion, the blonde swam 19 miles, got tired, and swam back!!


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp. They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie. He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish. The redhead went first. 'I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I want to go home!' 'Okay,' replied the genie. And off she went. Then the brunette went. 'I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!!' And off she went. The blonde started crying and said, 'I wish my friends were back here!'


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A British Airways employee took a call from a blonde asking the question, "How long is the Concorde flight from London to New York?" "Um, just a minute, if you please," he murmured. Then, as he turned to check the exact flight time, he heard an equally polite, "Thank you," as the phone went dead.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Two blonde girls were talking and one couldn't help but notice how pretty and beautiful the others skin was. So she asked her outright what made her skin so soft and beautiful."Well, once a week I fill the bathtub with milk and just soak in it."

So the blonde went to a farm and spoke to the farmer. "I'd like a lot of milk."

"How much?" asked the farmer.

"Well, quite a lot because I'm going to soak in it."

He asked, "Pasteurized?"

"No...just up to my boobies."

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: martin on June 27, 2008, 11:33:23 PM
Ronaldo Leaves United

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWhWV8lt_1I


Absolutely hilarious!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: mick w on June 28, 2008, 05:46:25 PM
what is the difference between an oral and an anal thermometer

                 the taste



doctor is about to write a prescription when he  pulls a thermometer out of his pocket damn! some a**ehole's got my pen.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: mick w on June 28, 2008, 06:12:11 PM
what is long thin and smells of p*ss?


         pensioners doing the conga.



 michael jackson and his wife are in hospital just after she has given birth to a son.the doctor comes around and michael asks 'how long before we can have sex doctor?' 
'for gods sake wait until he can walk michael!' said the doctor



i took my alsation to the vets because he was cross-eyed.
the vet said lets  have a look at him and picked him up.after a couple of minutes he said i'm going to have to put him down.
 i said why? because
he's cross-eyed?
the vet said no he's too f**cking heavy



lone ranger and tonto riding in the wild west.tonto stops gets of his horse puts his ear to the ground and says 'buffalo come'
lone ranger says 'thats amazing! how do you know?
'ear stuck to ground' he replies.

             
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: mick w on June 28, 2008, 06:28:38 PM
bloke says to his wife one morning 'you, me and the dog are going fishing'
'im not going fishing i hate fishing' she said
bloke says 'well you have three choices we go fishing, you take it up the tradesmans or a b**w job.i'm going downstairs you have 10 minutes to decide.'
  he returns  10 minutes later 'well what is it to be.' he said.
 she says 'the b**w job'.
 as she is about to go at it she notices his penis smells of s**t.
he says 'i know rover didn't want to go either'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: kenlfc1892 on June 30, 2008, 09:16:16 PM
bloke says to his wife one morning 'you, me and the dog are going fishing'
'im not going fishing i hate fishing' she said
bloke says 'well you have three choices we go fishing, you take it up the tradesmans or a b**w job.i'm going downstairs you have 10 minutes to decide.'
  he returns  10 minutes later 'well what is it to be.' he said.
 she says 'the b**w job'.
 as she is about to go at it she notices his penis smells of s**t.
he says 'i know rover didn't want to go either'

good one man ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: mick w on July 03, 2008, 07:12:38 PM
girl involved in a car accident.paramedic asks the girl what is her name.
'britney' she replies.
he starts to examine her and notices a lot of blood.
'britney' he says, 'where are you bleeding from'
'f**king birkenhead' she replies



woman phones 999 and says 'i need an ambulance because i'm pregnant'
operator says 'we can't send you an ambulance just because you are pregnant'
the woman replies 'but my waters have broke'
'oh! in that case'. says the operator 'where are you ringing from.'
'from me f*nny to me feet!' she replies.
 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: kenlfc1892 on July 03, 2008, 08:27:37 PM
Two nuns are walking down an alley when two guys jump out of the dark.
   They start
   raping the nuns and the first nun says, "Forgive them, Father, for
   they know not what they
   do!" The second one says, "This one does!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: mick w on July 03, 2008, 08:54:25 PM
'if you were a gentleman you wouldn't make me do this!'
'if you were a lady you wouldn't speak with your mouth full!'

daughter informs parents she is pregnant. 'tell the swine to come here now' says the outraged father.
1 hour later a bentley pulls up outside their home.a distinguished gentleman enters the house.
'i must appologise for getting your daughter pregnant.i cannot marry your daughter as i already have a wife'.said the man.
'what do you plan to do about it then' said the father.
'well' the man explains.'if the baby is a girl i will give your daughter  £1 million  plus 1 of my oil companies. if the baby is a boy she will receive £5 million and 3 of my oil companies.if however she loses the baby......'
at this point the father leans forwaed and says
'you will f**k her again wont you?!!!'
 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: mick w on July 03, 2008, 09:07:37 PM
little lad comes running into the house shouting 'mummy mummy get the cider out,get the cider out!'
'why on earth do you want cider' mummy said.
the boy replies,'well i've just cut my hand on the thorn of the rose bush and my sister said whenever she gets a pr*ck in her hands she always puts it inside her!'


little lad walks into the bathroom while his grandad is having a pee.
'my daddies got 2 of those' he says pointing at grandads willy.
'2?' says grandad.
'yes' he replies.'a wrinkled one like yours for peeing with and a big hard one for cleaning mummies teeth with!'.
 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: kenlfc1892 on July 03, 2008, 09:09:15 PM
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.
The doctor asked her what had happened to her
ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt
and the phone rang - but instead of picking up
the phone I accidentally picked up the iron
and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But. what happened to your other ear?"
"The son of a bitch called back."

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their
Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain
and the top is down!


A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her
purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to
the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."



Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: kenlfc1892 on July 03, 2008, 09:17:37 PM
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"

She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: mick w on July 03, 2008, 09:26:07 PM
bloke turns up at the pub driving a jag his mate asks how he got it. he said he was walking down the lane when he saw a girl in a mini-skirt leaning over the bonnet of the car.he asked if everything was ok.it turned out it was sarah harding and she was late for a photo shoot and asked if he could help.well he knew about cars and fixed it no problem.sarah harding was so gratefull she laid on the grass and took her knickers off.then said he could have anything he wanted,well he knew the knickers wouldn't fit so he took the car!.   
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: mick w on July 03, 2008, 09:32:23 PM
whats the difference between a golf ball and a clitoris

men will spend 15 minutes looking for a golf ball



whats this difference between m*ff diving and driving in the fog.

you can see the c**t in front of you when your m*ff diving
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: mick w on July 12, 2008, 02:30:57 PM
bloke goes to the doctors with a yellow penis.doctor asks him what he does for a living as he has never seen this problem before.
bloke says 'i dont work'
doctor says 'what do you do all day'
'nothing much' says the bloke 'just lay on the settee watching porno's and eating
quavers'.



wife finds an s and m book in her sons bedroom.she asks her husband what she should do.
father says 'for gods sake dont spank him'
 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Durgs on July 25, 2008, 11:08:48 AM
on a slow day for news..........

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk

 ::)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: mick w on July 30, 2008, 12:56:47 PM
bloke goes to the doctors with a hearing problem.doctor asks 'what are the symptoms?'.


bloke replies, 'a yellow cartoon family on the telly.'



bloke meets an asian girl in a pub and goes back to her place.she tells him to make himself comfortable while she goes to to the bedroom to change.
she comes out naked the body of a goddess.
she says, 'i am your slave i will do anything you want.'
he says, 'i wouldn't mind a 69'
she says 'you can f**k off i'm not cooking at this time of night!'